RHNY recap: Hampton Hillbillies

Episode Four of RHNY wasn't a bad one.  They're definitely laying the ground work for upcoming drama...and that's what I like to see. It's time to do work. The vast majority of this episode took place in the other Manhattan: the Hamptons.

But before we head out to the beach, Sonja and Cindy meet up way down town. They're supposed to go shopping and out to lunch, but Cindy has a problem: the night before she chipped one of her veneers while she was eating pistachios in a drunken stupor...we've all been there Cindy, don't feel bad. She's toting her teeth around in an Hermes box and needs to scoot off to the dentist tout suite. Points for style. And also points for honesty...I seriously doubt any of the other Wives would even admit they have veneers at all. 

So no lunch at Cipriani, just private shopping at Vivienne Tam.  Boo hoo. The change  irritates Sonja, who had her driver boy bring her all the way down town. DRIVER BOY. They chat while they shop...scratch that: Sonja doesn't shut up while they shop. She reveals that the rift between Kelly and Ramona is keeping her up nights. Riiiiiight Sonja...it's more like figuring out how to get more camera time is making you sleepless. She reveals to Cindy that she's going to invite both Kelly and Ramona (unbeknownst to each other) to her house for a "toaster oven cooking party" and to force them to patch things up.  An ambush. Cindy strongly disagrees. Sonja doesn't care.

Before they part ways Cindy tries to invite Sonja to a party at a horse farm in Quogue.  Sonja decrees that she will not go to Quogue, it's just too far out of the way for her.  Wow. What a snot thing to say. Cindy is offended, but laughs it off and tells the camera that Quogue isn't exclusive enough for Sonja. No  matter, Sonja's driver boy is going to turn into a pumpkin if she spends any more time down town, and Cindy need to get to the dentist. Off they go.

French Ross and the dog:
praying to make it through one more day with The Cuntess. 

We head out to the Hamptons where we'll be for the duration. At LuAnn's house she pretends to parent, but really explains that what works for her is having a mother's helper watch her kids during the week when they go to school in the Hamptons while she frolics with French Ross in Manhattan and works on her music.  Right LuAnn, sounds good. Speaking of...here comes French Ross now! Cava? Cava? Cava? Cava's all around. He waggles his big, Frenchie eyebrows at LuAnn and meditates with the dog.  I see why they work so well together.

Next we learn why Kelly just loves the Hamptons in the fall: kids, dogs, and horses. Soooo...her people. They get her and she gets them.  Lord knows this woman needs a "safe place" and if this is it then more power to her. She invites Sonja to go riding. I don't know if it's the whole Safe Place thing, but Interview-Kelly appears sane and lucid. Harumph. Not fair. Sonja does her best to compensate for Kelly's sanity by acting like a total and complete jack ass...on a horse. So obviously this happens:

Sonja: reckless and brainless...and falling off a horse.

Sane-interview-Kelly spouts shit off like we're not at a dude ranch and reckless and cavalier. She's right.  Interview-Sonja's response: I'm not reckless, you're brainless. No Sonja, in this instance you're actually both. And you made a fool of yourself. But it seems that Season Four Sonja will take any attention she can get, including the kind you get when act like an ass. Kelly pulls the plug on the riding...which was the s-s-s-s-s-sane thing to do, and they talk it out for a bit. Kelly discusses her relationship with Ramona: I'm not friends with Ramona...it's been three years...at a certain point you just say no thank you. Sonja starts to lay the ground work for her surprise-Kelly/Ramona-toaster-oven-rendezvous. Kelly makes it abundantly clear that she doesn't want to ever be alone with Ramona. Sonja adjusts her monocle, cracks her knuckles and lets out an evil cackle.  Way to work it Morgan.

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name. 

That night we convene at LuAnn's for Housewife cocktails. Everybody is there--sans Jill because she's still hocking her book in the Southern Hemisphere, where she belongs and I wish she'd stay. Anywives, while everybody trickles in, Sonja and LuAnn insult Cindy. It's mostly Sonja, but Interview-LuAnn gets a few jabs in as well. Sonja doesn't shut up about Quogue, Cindy's party, and the invitations.  Interview-LuAnn remarks on Sonja's Quogue comments: Maybe Quogue used to be hip...low-rent  now...but you don't say it. Oh but Cuntess, you just did say it.  It's one of my personal favorites when The Cuntess points out others' faux pas and in the process displays her own bad manners.  She's so far up her own ass she doesn't even get it. It's poetry, I tell you.

So Cindy, you see this bar? This bar is like Quogue:
you don't cross over unless you want to meet the bidness end of a baseball bat.

I digress. Cindy is increasingly irritated and insulted by Sonja's verbal diarrhea...I get it because at this point I'm telling Sonja to stow it too. She's approaching the same level of obnoxiousness she displayed during the marriage-equality march. They kind of talk about the e-mail invites and Sonja and LuAnn insist they didn't get them...assistants' fault...blah blah blah. I luuuuurve that LuAnn and Sonja don't have jobs, barely parent, employ assistants and STILL can't keep their shit together. Incompetent donkies. Then genius Sonja exclaims: maybe I didn't get the invite because I automatically put all Completely Bare emails in JUNK MAIL. Eff me Sonja, did you really just say that? Out loud? To the owner of Completely Bare? 

Cindy is stunned. Not that you'd know it by looking at her because she's got the same look on her face she always does. But there's no time for that, because Ramona blows in like a Class Five hurricane. Cindy says I thought Sonja was rude, and then Ramona comes in...What hairless rock have you been living under Cindy?!? These women SUCK. I told you once and I"ll tell you again, welcome to the jungle Cindy Barshop.

Typhoon 'Mona

'Mona enters demanding a tankard of pinot grigio; she accuses LuAnn of being a weekend mom (which is true); 'Mona also tell Cindy it's a good thing I like you to go all the way to Quogue. Lo-ward have mercy, AGAIN with the Quogue bidness. Shut up!

Before I can stop her, Cindy pulls Kelly aside to warn her away from Sonja's meddling ways. She says she knows she's betraying Sonja, but feels it's appropriate since Kelly is planning to bring her children to the Sonja's ambush. She's all cryptic at first: You have to trust me...go to Sonja's, but don't bring your kids. Are these really the things you say to someone teetering on the edge of sanity, even on one of her "good days"? NO. It is not.

humina...humina...say wah...ding-dong!

Cindy doesn't want to, but ends up revealing Sonja's entire plan to Kelly. Sane-interview-Kelly says that it's not Romana per say that she has a problem with, but it's Ramona's drinking...my kids don't need to be around Turtle Time. Hmmmm...as much I want to, I can't disagree with that. Thankfully Kelly doesn't freak the eff out...at least by Kelly-freak-out standards.

GOOD TIMES
(but did not occur at LuAnn's, I repeat: did NOT occur)

The next day a couple of these winners meet up to walk their dogs for the Animal Rescue League...there's a good joke in there, but I'm lazy. 'Mona and The Cuntess stroll along and 'Mona starts spewing all sorts of junk about the wedding a few weekends ago, the cigar, Howie, her dead friend blah blah blah. She's going to see Howie the next day in Quogue and isn't sure if she'll be able to refrain from throwing up all over him.  How does she control herself? How does she deny her impulses to be socially awkward at every opportunity? Sometimes life presents us with answer-less riddles 'Mona and you've just got to wing it. LuAnn humors her a little...more like entertains herself, and gives some obvious advice on how to mimic adult social behavior. Of course 'Mona is all 'Mona'd up and doesn't listen. 

Listen up dahling, I wrote all about this in my book: you see how our dogs
sniff around selectively to choose where they'll pee? You must be just as
selective about when, where and with whom you will speak.  Pretend your
words are dog piss coming out of your mouth and you'll be just fine dahling.

Cut to Sonja and Jelly Beans walking their dogs on the beach. Even though Cindy swore her to Housewife-secrecy, Kelly confront Sonja about the whole toaster-oven-'Mona-ambush thingy Sonja was cooking up. Sonja is gobsmacked, Somebody just stepped on my toes!! Watch out Cindy, you may want to just stay in Quogue forever, 'cause Sonja's pissed you stole her thunder. I mean, she may as well have boned Brian the not-starving, hot, shitty-ass artist. Kelly tells Sonja the exact same thing she told her after they went horse riding: I can't be with Ramona...I can't be in a combative situation. Sonja seems to get it this time...and in her defense the last time Kelly tried to tell her the same thing Sonja had just fallen off her horse and was probably a little shaken. Or maybe she was too distracted by Cindy's toe-stepping to be worried about Kelly anymore. But Sonja still thinks she's going to "fix" Kelly. Kelly's having none of it and reverts to her old standby coping mechanism: act crazy and people'll leave you alone.

...like a charm

And what do you know? After four episodes of Sonja running her mouth and driving everyone mad, Kelly shut her up with sand-angels.  Crazy like a fox, that one is. Crazy. Like. A. Fox.

Who wants to fight?!? Huh? Who?!

FINALLY it's Cindy's horse farm party in notorious Quogue.  After all the talk I was expecting it covered in craters, with fire spewing from the tops of purple trees and little blue men running around--but it look like more of the same eastern tip of Long Island: marshy, horsey and vinyardy.  You can tell because everybody is wearing Polo shirts, plaid, denim, and aviator glasses...What people from Manhattan think people in the country wear. Most of the crew shows, expect for Sonja of course:  Alex and Simon (and their boys: Amadeus and Mandela), LuAnn, and Kelly (and her girls). Then 'Mona blows in and you can just tell she's looking to rip shit up.  If she had a bit in her mouth (which could've been arranged being at FARM and all) she would've been chomping the crap out of it.  There was a brief moment when some random woman looks at 'Mona, laughs out loud, turns and runs in the opposite direction. If you caught it, you know what I'm talking about. It was great. Back to 'Mona of 2011: it's  the same as at LuAnn's--demands for pinot grigio came way before basic social niceties. LuAnn call her Pinot-Polar. Cindy's buzz was cramped for a minute., but she bounced back. Someone (I'm looking at you Mario) decided to put grouchy 'Mona on a pony:

bad idea

She was bitching about in about 2.2 seconds. She may as well have been in a straight jacket. Mario! Mario! I'm getting off the horse!! Maaaarriiiiiio! Miserable. At some point in the middle of all this everybody got sick of the pony rides and busted out ATVs...the only reason this amused me was because at one point you could randomly hear Simon shouting out: HOLD ON TIGHT FRANCOISE!!!! If anyone could jerry rig a ring-tone out of that soundbite they'd make millions. Anypony, 'Mona dismounts from her Shetland and continued to look for trouble. It didn't take her long.

not good

'Mona manically corners Kelly and her daughter by a bail of hay. It looks like all she wants to do is try to set up a lunch date, but Kelly knows trouble when she sees it and does whatever she has to do to ditch 'Mona. Look over there! The horses! They look fun!! Or something very close to that. 'Mona turned her head for a millisecond and Kelly tucked her 10 year-old under arm and ran for the hills. It's a sad day when Bensimon outsmarts you...maybe it's time for 'Mona to take a long hard look in the mirror? Not if Andy Cohen has anything to say about it.   Interview(sober)-'Mona was buffaloed by Kelly's social-Heisman: I've been treating Kelly with kid gloves...let's not forget: she LOST her mind. True enough 'Mona, true enough.

Next victim.

Cindy's father, her brother Howie, and Howie's girlfriend Carol...
...in 'Mona's conversational strangle hold.

Per her dog walking conversation with LuAnn, 'Mona corners Howie. She's begging him to talk to her. He's all no Ramona, it's not a good time...it's not going to happen. She doesn't let up. She grabs a crop and a harness, gives Howie a don't-eff-with-me-little-man look. Howie poops his pants and jumps into Cindy's arms shouting Mama! Mama! Bad lady! BAD lady gonna get me! Okay, that's not exactly what happened, but it's closer than any of us would like to think. Long and short: Cindy muzzles 'Mona and talks her off the ledge.  She tells 'Mona what everyone been telling her for her whole life: it's not the time, nor the place Ramona Singer.  She distracts 'Mona with some random chips and dip...literally, this isn't me being funny, it really happened. And Episode Four comes to an end.

One question: where the hell was Mario during all this? Isn't he her keeper? Or at the very least her legal guardian? Wasn't that part of the deal their high-priced team of lawyers cut with the DA?

Gawd these women are just too much. Good night, and good luck.

RHNY recap: a Crazy Connection is made

I'm not into the stars and the planets and all that, but something wasn't aligned properly last week in New York. But there's no need to bring Peggy Tanous in for a consult,  this week things seemed to be getting back to normal--Sonja was less of a freak, Kelly was finding it hard to function at a second-grade level, Alex and Simon were less intense and more van Kempen-ish. The Cuntess was quite cunty, but I think that's to be expected; the dahlings were back with a vengeance in Episode Three. I loath the dahlings. This episode was a little snoozy compared to last weeks extravaganza, but at least it was a mess for all the right reasons this time. Back in the bosom. Let's nuzzle in.

Dahling, let me see if Jaques, that's French for Ross, has
any friends with whom you may get crazy. Dahling. Dahling.

First up LuAnn and Kelly get together for a mani/pedi, and some girl talk. Kelly is bored of being single!! She's sick of being lonely and wants to find love the second time around like The Cuntess has.  Kelly observes that LuAnn has gone through her second chapter very well, and mine's been a bumpy ride. Well you're the one who said it in the opening credits Kelly: I'm living the American dream one mistake at a time.

[Crickets. CRICKETS!!]

Another thing, Kelly's back to whisper-yelling compliments--you know: TELL ME ABOUT JACQUES! YOU LOOK SO GREAT!...but whispered. It's weird and definitely brings out the crazy in her eyes. These two serve as an interesting case study: turns out a cunty woman is more appealing to the men of Manhattan than a crazy woman. LuAnn gives Kelly some non-advice, sits back and basks in the glow of having her life back on track. With French Ross.

Jacques
(French for Ross)

Interview-LuAnn says she's spending more time with Kelly and likes what she sees. Say huh?? She's discovering a new Kelly. Yes LuAnn, Kelly has a personality for every day of the week--you're just learning this? I don't care for LuAnn, she's boring and not nice, but I thought she was smarter than that. But since Ginger finally reclaimed her rightful place as Jill Zarin's nose-picking lapdog LuAnn needs new friends. And she can't be too choosy. Cunty may trump Crazy, but Crazy is lonely Cunty's only friend. Remember that kittens, words to live by.

Brainstorm. 

Sometimes Dumb and Crazy have a fighting chance together.
Do it for love.

Think The Cuntess and French Ross could hook a Crazy up?

Next Sonja wears a hat to lunch with Alex:

Alex wants to smooth things over with Sonja. The hat advises Sonja to listen calmly and quietly. She obeys. Alex says no one needs to agree about what happened or didn't happen at the rally, let's just drop it. The hat and Sonja say okay. I'm curious to see if this truce will last once Sonja takes the hat off.

Cindy has a dinner date with Kelly because they film a reality show together.  Kelly has dinner with Cindy because she's desperate for a friend and hasn't figured out yet that Cunty is Crazy's only friend.  So slow. So sad.  Cindy shows up frazzled because one of her nannies broke down and the tow truck took like two hours to come and get her.  But that doesn't matter...Kelly is determined to make dinner about herself, and make a fool of herself. Simultaneously. Crazy can multitask. 

How do I make this little black brick of light and buttons GO.
Sorcery and witchcraft Kelly, and some satchels of gold.

Kelly is stumped as to why someone as cool as Cindy is friends with 'Mona. Duh JellyKelly, everybody wants a friend who's a vintner...and a jeweler...and a skin care specialist...and a Turtle Timer. Kelly proceeds to show Cindy what she's missing out on in the friend department by showing off her skills as a composer of the written word. She STRUGGLES desperately to write a simple email to 'Mona telling her she can't make it to something or other. Cindy is dumbstruck by Kelly's inability to function: I'm unable to...brainfreeze Kelly? C'mon...it's just Ramona...you can do this. Way to show off your mad skillz Crazy.

Speaking of 'Mona...she's in another fashion show. She and Sonja (sans the Cossack hat) head to the designer-who's-desperate-for-ANY-publicity to pick out her dress for the show. 

What the heck, the first time was so good, let's do it again!
Where's the catwalk bitchez?!

'Mona discusses Kelly's inability to support her.  Hold the effing phone 'Mona...wasn't it just last week that you didn't want anything to do with Kelly at your Gucci night? You've been steering clear of her since Crazy Island (a move I commended), right? Now, when you want an entourage you get pissy. I'm calling bullshit on you 'Mona.

Next we go to a boozed up speed dating session hosted by the Cuntess and French Ross. Klassy LuAnn, very klassy. They try to dress it up and name it the Wine Connection, but I know pimpin' when I see it. LuAnn invites her single hoes: Cindy, Kelly and Sonja (Brian is just a portrait-painting booty-call). First she has to explain to Kelly that it isn't a wine tasting, there will be no spitting here...she highly recommends swallowing. Oh no she dih'int! Damn. Gurlfren cray cray. She cuddles up with French Ross and praises herself for not being single.

This is the break down of the mix and mingle: Cindy is stunned by what the dating pool has to offer as this her return from her maternity leave. Sonja plays diva and one poor ponce in a suit eats it up with a spoon...somebody might be getting some in the back of a Town Car tonight. Kelly...well, Kelly was the highlight of the evening when she hit it off with this guy:

crazy squared

And no, that' s not John Boy from The Waltons. It's some actor-nerd who made a crazy-connection with Kelly. We're privileged enough to observe him "prepare for" and execute a scene from Due Date. Kelly participated. I spazmatically twitched on my couch because it made sooo uncomfortable. Needless to say Crazy Squared thought they were pretty friggin' great.

We catch a shot of The Cuntess shoving her tongue down French Ross's throat, and then fade to black. 

Now we're off to Govenor's Island with Cindy and Kelly and their entourages. They making the trek out there for Alex van Kempen's birthday.  Remember, every year Simon makes a big hoo-haa out of it and Alex is princess for a day? Like last year it was this:

Dinner on private yacht. Swanky new earrings
Limo ride home in which Simon lost his effing mind and pooped his pants.

This year it's a little different. They meet on a cold, windy day at an out of the way New York public park and spill champagne on the little kids' heads.  Interview-Alex insists that it's the best birthday Simon has ever planned. Everyone is freezing and miserable, and Kelly and Cindy stay all of five minutes.  But before they leave, Simon makes a toast to Alex and gives her a big diamond. Made out of chocolate.  She eats it in a manner similar to which Mr. Ed might eat a carrot or nibbled a sugar cube. Finally everybody gets to leave.

Not the same, but at least no pants were pooped.

Now we're at the David Meister fashion show, in which 'Mona will be the supah-stah. Ugh. Again? Why? Hasn't this already been done? For whatever reason 'Mona feels the reason to repeat it.  It's also a good excuse for Alex and Simon to get together with Sonja and put the past to rest.

Keep your big, blubbery Aussie self outta my ear van Kempen, I mean it.

Fair play.

Meanwhile 'Mona and the designer freak the fuck out backstage. Due to my keen sense of observation (and of the obvious) I can tell you that David Meister's dresses are pretty damn fugly. Anymodels, while 'Mona the midget bugs out behind the scene, The Cuntess shows up--not to be "supportive" (a word these women lurve to throw around), not because she likes the designer or 'Mona, but to be...you guessed it...cunty. She missed it the first time and tells us there's no way she's going to miss it again. Is that good manners LuAnn? Check with your book. 'Mona walks, the sky doesn't fall and the show is over. Sonja was pretty funny when she said that the person behind her is a whole person taller...she's a mascot! Good one Morgan.

Still scary, but better.

In an effort to actually participate in the filming of the Real Housewives of New York, Cindy has shut down one of her Completely Bare spas for a private day with some of the other Housewives. LuAnn, Sonja, Cindy, and Kelly bond over hair removal. The Cuntess can barely contain her disdain for the discussions about body hair, dahling! must we?! What a snotty bitch. What did she think was going to happen at a HAIR REMOVAL SPA?? She looks for opportunities to be a condescending, patronizing, superior, self-satisfied bitch-cow. Interview-Cindy says we're not talking about porn. Don't worry Cin, Sonja's waaaaaay into it. You've made a new friend.

fuzzy cooter girl talk

Words like Brazilian, wax, landing-strip, and laser are thrown around. Everybody gets into it. Even LuAnn has her pit hair lasered. Crazy time! She emerges from the booth with a look of both shock and accomplishment; I bet it's the same look she had when French Ross finally convinced her to drink beer straight from the bottle for the first time. 

Next we get a peek of Alex's modeling:

Johan face, Johan face.

Okay. Fine. In a very I-have-scoliosis-and-dig-high-fashion kind of way. The photographer had to tell her we don't need that much drama in the eyes. Classic. Wonder what he would've said to 'Mona? Bygones...Alex isn't hurting anyone, and I hope it doesn't go to her head.  There's a good chance it'll go to Simon's though.

Finally it's 'Mona's big night. She's the celebrity(!) guest speaker at the Women's Venture Fund, an organization that supports female entrepreneurship. Avery is there and she's all grow'd up. Very leggy. Sonja, Alex and Cindy show up too. This is Cindy's first group date with Sonja, Alex, and Ramona. I think she's a little nervous. I don't blame her. Alex shows up with her left-over, ratted-out model hair,  everybody's got something to say about it. I bet Cindy's thinking: if that's her head, I'd hate to see her bush. 'Mona's sweating bullets because she's there to give a speech to 600 people--it's been a nerve wracking week for poor, old 'Mona. No wonder she has her own wine. 

Better than on the catwalk.
And waaaay better than Sonja's at the rally.

'Mona gave a decent speech, and she looked good doing it.  Gold stars you half-drunk ball of fire.  Of course the speech would've been even better if Sonja'd shut up while 'Mona was giving it. Constant commentary on whatever bits of wisdom 'Mona was spewing from the podium. It looked like it was really bugging Cindy, who seems like a fairly normal person so far and just wanted to sit quietly and listen.  Of course it's hard to tell what Cindy is thinking since she always has the same expression on her face. Dead stare, lips parted, teeth together, bangs in her eyes. Always.

This is actually Cindy watching Kelly trying to email 'Mona,
but it may as well be Cindy watching 'Mona's speech, or talking with her
brother, or observing LuAnn dis hair-removal, or trek to Governor's Island.
You get it.

That's it. Pretty standard episode, but next week's looks good. And next week's episode of RHOC looks really good--a mandatory Housewife attendance dinner party.  Purrrfect. Speaking of...recap of last night's Episode Eight coming soon, but first I must watch Bethenny. Lurrrve her.

TTFN kittens.

xo

RHNY recap: a paint-by-numbers portrait of public service

Due to our vacation, I was tempted to blow through this recap like a half-senile, blue-haired, Florida retiree busts through a handicap parking sign with her powder-pink, Mary-Kay issued Caddy.  But Episode Two of The Real Housewives of New York was just too good, so despite the vacation-delay I must show proper respect and give it it's due. 

This episode is the before, during and after of the Marriage Equality March that Alex  yammered about endlessly for most of the previous episode.

Smiles, love, rainbows and unicorns.
This is NOT what happened.

Guess what? Alex still hasn't shut the fuck up. Gurlfriend is wack...and on a self-imposed empowerment trip of which even Oprah would disapprove. But guess who else is wack? Sonja. That's right. Their battle royale is the storyline for this episode, and methinks many episodes to come.  So with that in mind, this post comes to you along with something of a public service announcement:

If anyone has seen this woman:

Sonja Morgan knows what time it is yo.

Sonja Morgan of RHNY Season Three--aka The Original Sonja.

 Please return her to Bravo immediately.

She is missing, and feared irretrievably lost. A bizarre Season Four Sonja android impostor appears to have taken her place. The half-woman/half-machine's mission is to sound as much like an egocentric asshole as possible.  If you ever cared for the Season Three Sonja--the quirky, even slightly eccentric, but relatively kind woman we met last year--please contact Bravo with any tips or sightings. Check the Hamptons' sand dunes. Scour  the upper East-side. Dig through the lofts of funky, So-Ho artists. If she still hasn't been found, a trek to Scary Island may be in order as she could have been marooned there. Leave no stone unturned.


And in related news:

The Cuntess is back:

SANCTIMONIOUS BANDIT of BITCHINESS 

If you encounter this individual roaming the avenues and streets of Manhattan, PLEASE do not approach her. She is considered extremely boring, and armed...with a nasty case of snobbery, an inconceivable superiority complex, and the ability to patronize Steven Hawking himself. She. knows. it. all.  

In what appears to be some sort of alternate Housewife universe, from which The Cuntess and Android-Sonja hail, this woman has emerged as the resident voice-of-reason:

Sane-Kelly

Say wha?! Say who?! Say how?!

I know, right? Trust: it happened. Pigs have flown. Hell has frozen over. And Kelly Bensimon makes sense? Yes. At least in this episode.  So pay attention kittens. Sane-Kelly is real a mind-fuck.

Let's return to the march, now that I've done my part to keep you safe and aware of the dangerous and ever changing Housewife-world around you. Luann, Kelly, and Alex meet up at Sonja's house for some pre-march primping.  Here's Sonja getting ready to put others' needs before her own, with her personal hairdresser and make-up artist. To march. In the rain. For which she must be immaculately done-up. But as we soon learn, this is Sonja's day, and not the gays. But I digress...

No wonder she feels she needs an on-call make-up artist; this is what her portrait-painter boy-toy, Brian thinks she looks like:

Soooo, a long haired, anemic crypt-keeper. With split-ends, no less. Perfect. Not insulting in the least. In fact, I'd be flattered. But I'm getting ahead of myself again; more about this painting and everyone's reaction to it later.

Anymarch, the aforementioned Housewives convened to play dress up in various wedding dresses...in support of gay marriage.

Cute. Fun. Campy as Sane-Kelly called it. She was...right. Right. Right. Say it slowly and you'll get used to it. You know who wasn't right? Alex. She went on and on and on and on about the implications of wearing a wedding dress to the march--it signified this, that, and the other way-too-serious-and-over-thought pseudo-intellectual, self-important thing you could ever imagine being said at your corner coffee-house's open mic civil-rights pow-wow.  Shut up Alex.

Alex: not shutting up
EVER.
(and Sane-Kelly humoring Alex...my but the tables have turned)

The Cuntess called Alex an infomercial for gay-rights. Just because you're a snotty bitch doesn't mean you aren't right.  And Luann was dead on. Kelly rolled her eyes plenty at Alex...but for once I fully understood at what she was rolling her eyes. Amazeballs.  Truly.

But then there was Sonja. Or rather Android-Sonja. I'm the grand marshall...this is my day...you're my girlfriends, here to support me on my day...my day...I'm giving a speech...I'm worried about my speech...I'm so glad my girlfriends are here to support me on my day when I give my speech...I'm grand marshall...grand marshall...my day. If you think I'm exaggerating. You're wrong. And you should go away now. Needless to say, this turned Alex on her motherfucking head.

Franken-freak went berserk

Interview-Sane-Kelly says: I don't know if it's Alex's day, or Sonja's...but I'm here to support marriage equality. I'll be god-damned if that doesn't make sense too. Where the hell am I?!  Uuuuugggghhhh. 

The ladies go to the rally and encounter this:

Simon being not gay, but very supportive.
And just as sanctimonious and self-righteous as his wife.
In a rainbow sequined morning-coat.

Sidebar: I have nothing but admiration for Alex and Simon's obvious commitment, knowledge, and passion for what should be an already resolved (!!!) common-sense civil-rights issue.  Gold stars Van Kempens. But for the love of Gawd find a different way to get your message out there.  This isn't the first time I've encountered people sending the right message the wrong way.

I thought the Sonja/Alex situation would improve once the Housewives went out in public.  But I'm an effing moron because these are Housewives we're talking about here.  Bad Brassy. Bad!

It got worse. Both Sonja and Alex's levels of self-importance reach Defcom One:

SAYS IT ALL

Turns out Sonja "agreed" to be grand-marshall of the parade as long as no one else from her "group" spoke.  Simon was supposed to speak and consequently got the boot from the podium because of Sonja. FUCK. So they fight. At the podium.  It's bizarre. Alex practically bursts into angry-tears, and she and Simon lay into diva-Sonja. AT THE PODIUM. Simon should've shut the hell up and let Alex fight his battle, because a man fighting a woman never wins. Even when he wins, he looses. Anymorons, Sonja, Alex and Simon don't stop. Especially Alex. It's not the time, nor the place. And Kelly says so. Actually she says we are embarrassing ourselves right now. Dear Lord, she's right again....and there goes Haley's  Comet too.

Alex used the term hijacked about ten times when describing the way Sonja made the day all about her.  The key thing is: Sonja didn't make the day about herself...she thought the day was about her. She was an obnoxious, rude cow, but the march wasn't actually about her. Alex and Simon's agenda got bumped, but otherwise the march proceeded as scheduled; it was a success; an important statement was made. End of story.  Now shut up Alex.

Then Jill shows up. Perfect. Interview-Jill tells the camera she came after all because she  wanted to do the right thing...and show Alex and Simon that I am nice.  Alex blinks and re-focuses on Jill for a minute. Sonja doesn't notice the reprieve because she's too far up her own ass; Me, me, me...my, my, my. Despite her previous claims to the camera, Jill snaps at Alex to stop picking on me! While it's laugh out loud funny to hear Jill tell someone to stop bullying her, she's kind of right...damn, I hate that.  Then Ginger licks Jill's nasal cavity and we're done.

Bullying is never okay...
Trust me, I'm Jill Zarin and I've been trying to get away with it for 40 years.

So after all of the talk, it's finally time for the grand marshall's speech. Sonja sucked. Hard. It was awkward. Waaaay off-point. And non-sensical.  Interview-Alex said Sonja confused gay pride with marriage equality. She's right, but no one tell her that.

You mean, they expect me to speak?
They aren't going to just gaze adoringly at me?
What kind of Sonja Is the Greatest rally is this?!

I can't even remember what the march was about at this point, but it's over...however as far as the Housewives are concerned the battle has just begun.

We get a bit of a break by checking in with Cindy, who's hanging out with her brother Howie. They bicker like siblings do and it's a little annoying, but kind endearing at the same time.  They sort through the cigar thing from last week.  I won't bore you with the de\tails. The important thing was Cindy acted like a grown-up about it: Howie's a big boy...it's between him, Ramona, and Carol (Howie's girlfriend who busted 'Mona's gossip at the wedding). Atta girl Cindy, low tolerance for bullshit. I like it, but I can't help but think she's on the wrong show if that's really the case.

Speaking of bullshit: next the marriage equality crew marches across the Brooklyn Bridge and straight to Alex and Simon's for a post rally get-together. It's a madhouse filled with pathetic, insincere attempts to keep the peace. The end. Enough.

Next Sex-kitten-Sonya is back. Channeling Samantha Jones for the umpteenth time, she tells us with a wink and nod that Brian's been given the Sonja pill--implying that he now addicted to her love a la Robert Palmer. Vomit. She visits her kept man at his loft to check up on a painting that he's doing of her. The rough draft, if you will, is a little scary looking but I figure every artist has a trademark style and this is Brian's, take it or leave it.

I'd need a pill to tap that too.

Sonja doesn't share my sentiment. She wants DaVinci or bust...and she let's Brian know it.  This isn't just any painting after all, this will be the showpiece in an art party that Sonja's having at her townhouse later on this week.  She complains about how saggy her tits look in the portrait and breezes out the door.

Sonja and Luann have lunch. It's a nine course meal, and every dish comes with a heaping side of sanctimony. What a bunch of bitches. They couldn't have come across as more affected and superior if they'd tried. They rehash the rally and they get off by discussing how far above Alex and Simon they consider themselves.  LuAnn says, for the first of many times, that Alex has finally found her voice and now she needs to be quiet. This may be the first and only witty, clever thing The Cuntess has ever said, so she repeats it a gazillion times through out the episode.

Right-o! Let's cause some trouble, shall we?

We come up for air from Sonja-thon and find ourselves at another "event". This time it's Ramona's table at a charity dinner sponsored by Gucci. She invited a few friends to her very exclusive and expensive table--the usual suspects like Alex and Simon, Sonja, and some others.  Alex fills her in the march--her eyes bug, her jaw clenches and juts out of her face. Ramona keeps to the middle of the road and stays relatively mum.  She's more distracted by the fact that even though she intentionally did not invite Kelly, Kelly seems to have shown up anyway as Sonja's guest.  Ramona has been giving Kelly a wide berth since Scary Island and didn't invite her because she didn't want her evening to be wrecked. Interview-Sane-Kelly calmly informs us that she's there because even though 'Mona didn't invite her, Mr. Gucci did so she thought she'd go. Ha! Kelly stays for a minute, but leaves before the sit-down dinner even begins.  Crisis averted. But not to worry, 'Moner chats Sonja up about the march, Alex, and Simon. Oh 'Mona, you little shit stirrer.

Since this episode is obscenely Sonja-centric,  next we find ourselves back at sugar-mama-Sonja's house for the Brian Farrell art party. Turns out "art party" is Housewife speak for down-and-dirty street fighting. Alex arrives, diva/Android-Sonja pulls her aside to supposedly clear the air, but instead all hell breaks loose. Even though most of us have already seen it, I feel this story is best told with visual aids...after all, it must be seen to be believed.

It's hard to tell, but that's Sonja and Alex in the middle
and 'Mona and Kelly (insane version) on the right.
Heads were knocked, skulls were crushed, and ego irrevocably bruised.

Unaware of the cage fight she's about to involuntarily enter, Alex agrees to chat. Sonya says she wants to talk with Alex, but it's more of a talking-to. Or a scolding. Or berating. Sonya was wackadoodle-condescending: I don't want...what's your husband's name? Simon, right?...I don't want Simon in my ear like that ever again...and a bunch of other bullshit. Oh crap, here we go.

So Alex is all:

Yeah well, you're on the Homeland Security watch list.
 Along with all the other hijackers.

...and  of course I don't know my husband's name, I'm trying to forget he exists.

And then Sonya's all:

It's my understanding that peasants like you  are dumber than a box of rocks,
so I'll repeat myself: This ear. Right here. This is the one I don't want
what's-his-name in ever again. Lick my feet Brooklyn-ite plebeian. 

And that's the civil part. When Alex rises way above her social station and sasses Sonja back, Sonja promptly kicks her out of her house (go back and read the last part again, it's okay to). A bold move on android-Sonja's part to say the least. It was a legit kick-out, as well as the official RHNY Season Four line-in-the-sand. Punches were thrown. Boundaries crossed. Bells wrung. Sides picked. Whatever you want to call it,  this is it kittens so buckle up.

Alex is gobsmacked. And pissed. Her back is up and she refuses to retreat. The terrier like tenacity with which she went after Sonja after being told to leave was epic.  Alex followed Sonja around her house pathetically trying to get the last word in and set the world right, the whole time seemingly unaware that Sonja was leading her to the door to dump her on the to the curb like a bag of trash. They do something of cat-fight waltz through the other party guests:

Sonja: Out of my house! You have no manners!You have no manners!Out
of my house!Out! Of! My! House!!
Alex: meep...erp...mop..da..hi..wa...jack...baa...sil...lat...ugh...don...ging...
...splat...ut...sal...doo...mit

Just then The Cuntess (and Cindy) show up. Puuuurfection:

Dahling...dahling...dahling!
Elegance is money....learning can't buy you class!
What in the blue blazes is going on here? I'm a Countess! Help me please!

The Cuntess claims she would've kicked Alex out just for the dress she was wearing. She consoles a distraught Sonja by telling her it's just as well she kicked Alex to the curb since Alex obviously doesn't belong here. Fantastic LuAnn, what a nasty piece of work you are.  It's people like you that get publicly dumped by by your husband for Ethiopian princesses. 

What.

Commercial break. Thank the Lord because I need a break and a smoke...and I don't smoke.  But there's no rest for the weary, because it's at this time Bravo decides to inform me that the RHNJ is staring up May 16. What in the hell?!? Another one?!?! Three at a time?!? This frazzles me to the point that I wish Sane-Kelly was in my family room to comfort me and explain just what Andy Cohen is trying to do to me. For realzies.

After what seems like an eternity Alex shuts up and leaves. Once she's back out on the grimy sidewalk where she belongs, Sonja's party gets back on track. And my word, what happens next should be all the retribution Alex could ever want.

Brian and Sonja unveil the completed portrait of Sonja:

The most evil looking paint-by-number's I've ever seen.

'Mona takes a stab at diplomacy and says it's wasn't the most flattering. The Cuntess golf claps. Cindy says Sonja is so much more beautiful. Who knows WHAT Sonja's thinking. And Alex is seal/hiccup/asma-laughing her sad, nerdy self all the way back to Brooklyn. Schadenfreude.

I don't really have a witty conclusion to this recap, but I'm sure that if you check Kelly Bensimon's twitter account or blog you'll find something that makes total and complete sense.

Brassy out.

PS. please excuse me from recapping the OC this week, I haven't even watched it yet. I'm looking forward to it, as I believe this is the episode where we learn what the fallout radius is for a can of pepper-spray. Good stuff, I'm sure. If I can I'll throw something up once I watch it I will, but the Brass-cation is running on all eight cylinders and severely cuts into my interweb time. No matter though, next week I'll be back at it. Promise. xo