RHNY recap: Hampton Hillbillies

Episode Four of RHNY wasn't a bad one.  They're definitely laying the ground work for upcoming drama...and that's what I like to see. It's time to do work. The vast majority of this episode took place in the other Manhattan: the Hamptons.

But before we head out to the beach, Sonja and Cindy meet up way down town. They're supposed to go shopping and out to lunch, but Cindy has a problem: the night before she chipped one of her veneers while she was eating pistachios in a drunken stupor...we've all been there Cindy, don't feel bad. She's toting her teeth around in an Hermes box and needs to scoot off to the dentist tout suite. Points for style. And also points for honesty...I seriously doubt any of the other Wives would even admit they have veneers at all. 

So no lunch at Cipriani, just private shopping at Vivienne Tam.  Boo hoo. The change  irritates Sonja, who had her driver boy bring her all the way down town. DRIVER BOY. They chat while they shop...scratch that: Sonja doesn't shut up while they shop. She reveals that the rift between Kelly and Ramona is keeping her up nights. Riiiiiight Sonja...it's more like figuring out how to get more camera time is making you sleepless. She reveals to Cindy that she's going to invite both Kelly and Ramona (unbeknownst to each other) to her house for a "toaster oven cooking party" and to force them to patch things up.  An ambush. Cindy strongly disagrees. Sonja doesn't care.

Before they part ways Cindy tries to invite Sonja to a party at a horse farm in Quogue.  Sonja decrees that she will not go to Quogue, it's just too far out of the way for her.  Wow. What a snot thing to say. Cindy is offended, but laughs it off and tells the camera that Quogue isn't exclusive enough for Sonja. No  matter, Sonja's driver boy is going to turn into a pumpkin if she spends any more time down town, and Cindy need to get to the dentist. Off they go.

French Ross and the dog:
praying to make it through one more day with The Cuntess. 

We head out to the Hamptons where we'll be for the duration. At LuAnn's house she pretends to parent, but really explains that what works for her is having a mother's helper watch her kids during the week when they go to school in the Hamptons while she frolics with French Ross in Manhattan and works on her music.  Right LuAnn, sounds good. Speaking of...here comes French Ross now! Cava? Cava? Cava? Cava's all around. He waggles his big, Frenchie eyebrows at LuAnn and meditates with the dog.  I see why they work so well together.

Next we learn why Kelly just loves the Hamptons in the fall: kids, dogs, and horses. Soooo...her people. They get her and she gets them.  Lord knows this woman needs a "safe place" and if this is it then more power to her. She invites Sonja to go riding. I don't know if it's the whole Safe Place thing, but Interview-Kelly appears sane and lucid. Harumph. Not fair. Sonja does her best to compensate for Kelly's sanity by acting like a total and complete jack ass...on a horse. So obviously this happens:

Sonja: reckless and brainless...and falling off a horse.

Sane-interview-Kelly spouts shit off like we're not at a dude ranch and reckless and cavalier. She's right.  Interview-Sonja's response: I'm not reckless, you're brainless. No Sonja, in this instance you're actually both. And you made a fool of yourself. But it seems that Season Four Sonja will take any attention she can get, including the kind you get when act like an ass. Kelly pulls the plug on the riding...which was the s-s-s-s-s-sane thing to do, and they talk it out for a bit. Kelly discusses her relationship with Ramona: I'm not friends with Ramona...it's been three years...at a certain point you just say no thank you. Sonja starts to lay the ground work for her surprise-Kelly/Ramona-toaster-oven-rendezvous. Kelly makes it abundantly clear that she doesn't want to ever be alone with Ramona. Sonja adjusts her monocle, cracks her knuckles and lets out an evil cackle.  Way to work it Morgan.

Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name. 

That night we convene at LuAnn's for Housewife cocktails. Everybody is there--sans Jill because she's still hocking her book in the Southern Hemisphere, where she belongs and I wish she'd stay. Anywives, while everybody trickles in, Sonja and LuAnn insult Cindy. It's mostly Sonja, but Interview-LuAnn gets a few jabs in as well. Sonja doesn't shut up about Quogue, Cindy's party, and the invitations.  Interview-LuAnn remarks on Sonja's Quogue comments: Maybe Quogue used to be hip...low-rent  now...but you don't say it. Oh but Cuntess, you just did say it.  It's one of my personal favorites when The Cuntess points out others' faux pas and in the process displays her own bad manners.  She's so far up her own ass she doesn't even get it. It's poetry, I tell you.

So Cindy, you see this bar? This bar is like Quogue:
you don't cross over unless you want to meet the bidness end of a baseball bat.

I digress. Cindy is increasingly irritated and insulted by Sonja's verbal diarrhea...I get it because at this point I'm telling Sonja to stow it too. She's approaching the same level of obnoxiousness she displayed during the marriage-equality march. They kind of talk about the e-mail invites and Sonja and LuAnn insist they didn't get them...assistants' fault...blah blah blah. I luuuuurve that LuAnn and Sonja don't have jobs, barely parent, employ assistants and STILL can't keep their shit together. Incompetent donkies. Then genius Sonja exclaims: maybe I didn't get the invite because I automatically put all Completely Bare emails in JUNK MAIL. Eff me Sonja, did you really just say that? Out loud? To the owner of Completely Bare? 

Cindy is stunned. Not that you'd know it by looking at her because she's got the same look on her face she always does. But there's no time for that, because Ramona blows in like a Class Five hurricane. Cindy says I thought Sonja was rude, and then Ramona comes in...What hairless rock have you been living under Cindy?!? These women SUCK. I told you once and I"ll tell you again, welcome to the jungle Cindy Barshop.

Typhoon 'Mona

'Mona enters demanding a tankard of pinot grigio; she accuses LuAnn of being a weekend mom (which is true); 'Mona also tell Cindy it's a good thing I like you to go all the way to Quogue. Lo-ward have mercy, AGAIN with the Quogue bidness. Shut up!

Before I can stop her, Cindy pulls Kelly aside to warn her away from Sonja's meddling ways. She says she knows she's betraying Sonja, but feels it's appropriate since Kelly is planning to bring her children to the Sonja's ambush. She's all cryptic at first: You have to trust me...go to Sonja's, but don't bring your kids. Are these really the things you say to someone teetering on the edge of sanity, even on one of her "good days"? NO. It is not.

humina...humina...say wah...ding-dong!

Cindy doesn't want to, but ends up revealing Sonja's entire plan to Kelly. Sane-interview-Kelly says that it's not Romana per say that she has a problem with, but it's Ramona's drinking...my kids don't need to be around Turtle Time. Hmmmm...as much I want to, I can't disagree with that. Thankfully Kelly doesn't freak the eff out...at least by Kelly-freak-out standards.

GOOD TIMES
(but did not occur at LuAnn's, I repeat: did NOT occur)

The next day a couple of these winners meet up to walk their dogs for the Animal Rescue League...there's a good joke in there, but I'm lazy. 'Mona and The Cuntess stroll along and 'Mona starts spewing all sorts of junk about the wedding a few weekends ago, the cigar, Howie, her dead friend blah blah blah. She's going to see Howie the next day in Quogue and isn't sure if she'll be able to refrain from throwing up all over him.  How does she control herself? How does she deny her impulses to be socially awkward at every opportunity? Sometimes life presents us with answer-less riddles 'Mona and you've just got to wing it. LuAnn humors her a little...more like entertains herself, and gives some obvious advice on how to mimic adult social behavior. Of course 'Mona is all 'Mona'd up and doesn't listen. 

Listen up dahling, I wrote all about this in my book: you see how our dogs
sniff around selectively to choose where they'll pee? You must be just as
selective about when, where and with whom you will speak.  Pretend your
words are dog piss coming out of your mouth and you'll be just fine dahling.

Cut to Sonja and Jelly Beans walking their dogs on the beach. Even though Cindy swore her to Housewife-secrecy, Kelly confront Sonja about the whole toaster-oven-'Mona-ambush thingy Sonja was cooking up. Sonja is gobsmacked, Somebody just stepped on my toes!! Watch out Cindy, you may want to just stay in Quogue forever, 'cause Sonja's pissed you stole her thunder. I mean, she may as well have boned Brian the not-starving, hot, shitty-ass artist. Kelly tells Sonja the exact same thing she told her after they went horse riding: I can't be with Ramona...I can't be in a combative situation. Sonja seems to get it this time...and in her defense the last time Kelly tried to tell her the same thing Sonja had just fallen off her horse and was probably a little shaken. Or maybe she was too distracted by Cindy's toe-stepping to be worried about Kelly anymore. But Sonja still thinks she's going to "fix" Kelly. Kelly's having none of it and reverts to her old standby coping mechanism: act crazy and people'll leave you alone.

...like a charm

And what do you know? After four episodes of Sonja running her mouth and driving everyone mad, Kelly shut her up with sand-angels.  Crazy like a fox, that one is. Crazy. Like. A. Fox.

Who wants to fight?!? Huh? Who?!

FINALLY it's Cindy's horse farm party in notorious Quogue.  After all the talk I was expecting it covered in craters, with fire spewing from the tops of purple trees and little blue men running around--but it look like more of the same eastern tip of Long Island: marshy, horsey and vinyardy.  You can tell because everybody is wearing Polo shirts, plaid, denim, and aviator glasses...What people from Manhattan think people in the country wear. Most of the crew shows, expect for Sonja of course:  Alex and Simon (and their boys: Amadeus and Mandela), LuAnn, and Kelly (and her girls). Then 'Mona blows in and you can just tell she's looking to rip shit up.  If she had a bit in her mouth (which could've been arranged being at FARM and all) she would've been chomping the crap out of it.  There was a brief moment when some random woman looks at 'Mona, laughs out loud, turns and runs in the opposite direction. If you caught it, you know what I'm talking about. It was great. Back to 'Mona of 2011: it's  the same as at LuAnn's--demands for pinot grigio came way before basic social niceties. LuAnn call her Pinot-Polar. Cindy's buzz was cramped for a minute., but she bounced back. Someone (I'm looking at you Mario) decided to put grouchy 'Mona on a pony:

bad idea

She was bitching about in about 2.2 seconds. She may as well have been in a straight jacket. Mario! Mario! I'm getting off the horse!! Maaaarriiiiiio! Miserable. At some point in the middle of all this everybody got sick of the pony rides and busted out ATVs...the only reason this amused me was because at one point you could randomly hear Simon shouting out: HOLD ON TIGHT FRANCOISE!!!! If anyone could jerry rig a ring-tone out of that soundbite they'd make millions. Anypony, 'Mona dismounts from her Shetland and continued to look for trouble. It didn't take her long.

not good

'Mona manically corners Kelly and her daughter by a bail of hay. It looks like all she wants to do is try to set up a lunch date, but Kelly knows trouble when she sees it and does whatever she has to do to ditch 'Mona. Look over there! The horses! They look fun!! Or something very close to that. 'Mona turned her head for a millisecond and Kelly tucked her 10 year-old under arm and ran for the hills. It's a sad day when Bensimon outsmarts you...maybe it's time for 'Mona to take a long hard look in the mirror? Not if Andy Cohen has anything to say about it.   Interview(sober)-'Mona was buffaloed by Kelly's social-Heisman: I've been treating Kelly with kid gloves...let's not forget: she LOST her mind. True enough 'Mona, true enough.

Next victim.

Cindy's father, her brother Howie, and Howie's girlfriend Carol...
...in 'Mona's conversational strangle hold.

Per her dog walking conversation with LuAnn, 'Mona corners Howie. She's begging him to talk to her. He's all no Ramona, it's not a good time...it's not going to happen. She doesn't let up. She grabs a crop and a harness, gives Howie a don't-eff-with-me-little-man look. Howie poops his pants and jumps into Cindy's arms shouting Mama! Mama! Bad lady! BAD lady gonna get me! Okay, that's not exactly what happened, but it's closer than any of us would like to think. Long and short: Cindy muzzles 'Mona and talks her off the ledge.  She tells 'Mona what everyone been telling her for her whole life: it's not the time, nor the place Ramona Singer.  She distracts 'Mona with some random chips and dip...literally, this isn't me being funny, it really happened. And Episode Four comes to an end.

One question: where the hell was Mario during all this? Isn't he her keeper? Or at the very least her legal guardian? Wasn't that part of the deal their high-priced team of lawyers cut with the DA?

Gawd these women are just too much. Good night, and good luck.