Intoxication

Hey hey its my favorite day of the year, and it was pretty much a crappy day. This past week has just been nothing but crappy. Im hurting physically, emotionally, and mentally and I just want to be done. Greg wrote back to my email, so clearly he didnt get the point that im completely done with him, aka I dont want to be his friend. And Im starting to get FAT. I know in the picture I posted it doesnt look like it, but I can feel and see it in the mirror. I guess these last 3 months are just going to be way harder than expected. I should never expect something to go a certain way, thats usually when something goes wrong.

So since I've been so focused on whats been going wrong lately and how life just completely sucks I've decided im going to try and make a list of my old passions, goals, the little things that use to make me happy that I've lost sight of. The things I want to get back, the little pieces I feel like people have taken away from me ya know. Since this whole experience is in one way or another about rediscovering myself, why not have the things I want back written out for once. Instead of pondering about them daily. Hopefully this will help me towards my ultimate goals. Although I still feel as if I cant accomplish a lot if anything until Livvy is born, at least I'll have it to look at.

1. Dancing; I've never been the "best" dancer, but I know I had talent and more importantly I remember the way it made me feel. I hate getting up in front of big crowds, but if im dancing on a stage, it doesnt matter. The clapping, chanting, cheering, smiles of the people just keep me going. Who cares if Im on stage with 20 other girls im still making other people happy. By that im making  myself happy. I havent danced for 3 years now and all I want to do right now it DANCE! its the one place I can escape to that no one else can come into. Im obssessed with Peter Pan im not sure why but I am. My favorite quote is "second star to the right and straight on to morning", aka Neverland. Dancing is my neverland. No one can touch me, hurt me, discourage me, im free to do, feel, say, express how and what I want. But my fear holds me back! Since I havent danced in 3 years I feel like I've lost it, and its been probably 4 or 5 years since I've studio danced, like technique dancing and all so my confidence in my ability is close to gone. Then when I think about going back to UVU and taking dance classes I freak out! Because I know of a few girl who take classes there and I dont want to be in a class they might be in for fear of judgement? im not really sure what scares me about that, but I'd rather take a class where I know no one! If I had it my way I would take private lessons for a while. Build back up my confidence. It would be my dream to go dance on So You Think You Can Dance. I dont even want to make a full career out of dancing, but I know I love it. I love it because I love the way it makes me feel. The way I feel motivated and like I can conquer the world when im dancing. I just want to start dancing again.

2. Cosmetology; I love doing hair, I love doing my own hair, I love looking at pictures of hair and analyzing hair. But like dancing my confidence level isnt there. Ive always felt like my friends never thought I was good enough at hair which is why I never do their hair, or get asked. Its a tricky business too because its a "fake it till you make it" type of business. I know hair, I do I went to too much schooling to throw it all away. Whenever I go into a salon thats super fun, and chic I die. Its like new paint brushes to an artist, or chocolate mousse to a pastry chef. Just like a kid in a candy store, I want to eat it all up. The atmosphere just does something to me that makes me want to faint its so fantastic. The smell of bleach, color, shampoo, conditioner, mixed with quats and sometimes burning hair. I love it all, I just want to be in that enviornment 24/7. I shouldve had more confidence in myself right out of hair school and gotten into a salon quickly instead of doing whatever I did and loosing confidence. So working in the type of atmosphere I want to work in, terrifies me. I just want to be able to see the look on someones face after just recoloring and cutting their hair. The satisfaction and happiness is so apparent on their face. Thats why I want this assisting job so badly although its not looking so great. Being able to change someones day by simply doing their hair is such a great feeling. Youre proud of yourself because if they like it, you know you did your job well and that makes it all worth it.

Overall I think Im just a scared person. Scared to take those steps into the unknown that I talked about in a previous post. Too scared and not enough confidence! I need to do something about that, not sure how Im going to achieve that, but I've got to. These things just make me feel invincible. Which makes no sense at all, I just know that besides the gospel these are the things that intoxicate me. They make me want to be me!