Steroids

It seems like everybody is taking steroids nowadays – Barry Bonds, Marion Jones, me. I’m just kidding! I’m not taking steroids, I’m taking HGH. I would never take steroids because they say it makes your testicles smaller and your head bigger. I don’t want to walk around looking like a bobble-head doll. But if you want to get stronger, steroids really help. As a kid I always thought spinach would make you stronger because Popeye got stronger every time he ate it. Popeye is a fuckin liar. He must’ve had some steroids in that spinach because there’s no way you can get stronger by eating a bunch of leaves. I also used to think that you could get stronger by exposing yourself to gamma radiation to become strong like the Incredible Hulk. One of my friends in third grade tried that. He sat in the sun for three hours one day. It didn’t make him stronger, but it did give him a nice tan. Vitamins were another thing I thought would make you strong. Hulk Hogan always said to say your prayers and eat your vitamins. Those vitamins didn’t do shit. All they did was give me a tummy ache and made me go to sleep early.

A lot of kids are taking steroids. That’s why you see these 10 year olds who look like He-man. They’re taking steroids. And boys aren’t the only ones taking steroids, girls are taking them too. Steroids make girls look manly. I knew a girl in junior high who was taking steroids and she grew a moustache……and a penis.

If you're not an athlete, you shouldn't be taking steroids. Steroids is not going to help you if you're not competing in a sport. If you're a cashier, steroids isn't going to help you put the money in the cash register faster.